Doughnuts, Vitamins, and a Health Check

Avid readers will recall how I took stock of my finances and had an attack of the blues. Last week, I repeated the exercise and realized that the more time and distance I put between steady employment and the present, the lesser I miss the pay-cheque. I made the mistake though, of doing another kind of stock taking – that of my health.

I went for one of those annual health check-ups where you pay the equivalent of three months gym membership to run on the treadmill; all the while worrying that the stress – caused by worrying about the hospital provided pants which are ten sizes too big for you, are going to fall down and cause you to trip headlong into the ECG machine – is going to make your heart rate spike and give a false reading of cardiac disease. All under the gaze of the doctor/technician who appears more sorrowful than the gym trainer at the poor condition of your fitness.

After many such pleasures – first waiting several hours for the bladder to get full and then hopping around one leg, for several more hours, on a full bladder waiting for my turn at the ultrasound – and resisting the urge to

1. Make up fractions to answer the question ‘how many children do you have?’
2. Order a universal wrench courtesy the teleshopping channel being broadcast in the waiting room

I was sent home.

I am yet to meet the GP to discuss the results, but I wheedled the folks to hand the reports over to me yesterday.

Some intense quality minutes spent with the reports and Dr. Google have revealed that I am probably at risk of early cardiac disease, am malnourished, and have severe vitamin deficiencies.

SG says it is one too many of those buttery cheddar cheese biscuits I made last week, an excess of Nutella, and an exaggerated case of hypochondria.

Since some of the symptoms of the vitamin deficiency are tiredness and depression, I climbed into bed in the middle of the day, and proceeded to have all conversations from deep under the covers.

“Honey, please make me a cup of tea, I don’t have the energy to! I have decided to remove all forms of processed sugar from my diet, please add some organic jaggery to it.”

“Hello, mom? Mom, I am dying.”

“Hello, biology teacher from high school? I have a vitamin deficiency, which causes befuddledness and confusion. Which explains why I sucked at dissecting the cockroach all those years ago, and you had to fail me. I hope you suitably regret your actions.”

“Hello, yoga studio? I am too exhausted to continue with classes. May I get a refund?

Only the last one is made up.

Hypochondria and SG’s skepticism notwithstanding, here is a list of health resolutions

1. Diligently attend yoga classes
2. Catch some early morning sun
3. Eat healthy: cut down on processed sugar, increase fiber, good fats, eggs and dairy. Will also help in ticking off Pootle List #3 “Reach my ideal weight”
4. Stock up on healthy munchies for in between meals sugar and salt cravings
5. Get a good health insurance policy
6. Don’t write this list while snacking on a bag of chips