How I replaced a good wife with a Nobel prize winning one

GoodWifeGuide1955

Now the Good Wife’s Guide may or may not have been written for vitamin deficient wives who suffer from serious brain fog, confusion and tiredness and are not the best housekeepers even when their vitamin levels are skyrocketing. All I know is that the following happens when the husband (SG) returns home to this good wife (EP).

SG lets himself in, and the house is silent like a tomb.

All is calm in the living room except signs of a mini-tornado around the television.

He gingerly walks into the bedroom and spies a huddled form deep under the blankets.  He gently shakes EP awake, “Are you well?”

EP blinks like an owl, “Who am I, where am I, which century is it?”

SG fixes some dinner using the groceries EP thankfully remembered to order (on-line). Since EP will always be a better cook, even when she is half comatose and since she cannot bear not to, “Oh, the chop the onions finer, will you?! And for the love of god, use the other pan. No! Not that one! Can’t you tell, the other one is half a centimeter bigger and used exclusively for…” She trails away, not having the energy to continue. Instead, she wanders aimlessly and distractedly, pausing occasionally to stare listlessly at nothing in particular.

After dinner (passable, but nowhere near what EP can produce), the conversation resumes, as a well-fed EP is decidedly more alert.

“How was your day?” asks EP, full of tender love.

“The same old drill, how was yours?”

“Let’s see,” EP begins, “I was glued to the television for a long time, hypnotically watching them tele-sell an inflatable mattress. The exact same show which I have been watching for twenty odd years now – with the very same sudden guests coming over to stay and the same mattress doubling up as a lounger, a water bed, and a space shuttle The effort not to pick up the phone and order it was so supremely tiring that I returned to bed. One which sadly, showed no signs of floating or being capable of nuclear fission.”

“In all this frenetic activity, did you remember to take your vitamin medicines?”

“No, I was so tired that I slept through the day!”

“So you did not go for your yoga class then?” asks a weary SG

“My bones are brittle due to the deficiency. Any sudden movement can cause fractures.” EP says, in an injured tone.

“Then why are you in those?” SG looks pointedly at the sweatpants, which after years of wear, are indistinguishable from used dishcloths.

“Oh, that is called athleisure. If Kim Kardashian can do it, so can I!”

“Who is this Kim person??”

“Oh, stay with the times! Anyhow, I have very important news to share”

“I hope it is about how we will finally sweep, vacuum and clean the house”.

“Oh, don’t be mean! The lack of vitamins are causing severe hair loss.” EP sadly gazes at her erstwhile lovely tresses which now dot the entire house in little heaps. “And you won’t be smiling so smugly when you hear about who called!”

“Who?”

“The Nobel Prize Committee! They are awarding me..!” EP cavorts around excitedly, in a sudden burst of adrenaline,“..for wildlife preservation and aiding the discovery of hitherto unknown life forms! Turns out that they know all about the mutated dusty life forms that are lurking in our wardrobes! The purely organic flora that is flourishing in our bathroom! And the.. and the.. green (de)composed aliens in the fridge!!”

SG vows to feed EP her vitamins even if he has to hide them in her food. And rushes to get the broom, pan, and industrial strength disinfectant out.

EP, distinctly happier, goes back to bed, and looks for the lever that will make it spontaneously launch itself into space.

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